Back to the trees: Bay Area residents give up on evolution

Residents in the San Francisco Bay Area have finally given up on evolution, and people all over the region are moving back into the trees where mankind originated.

“The decision to abandon science was not made lightly,” said a spokesperson from Mayor London Breed’s Office of Diversity and Inclusion. “We came to that conclusion after witnessing the horrific suffering that science has inflicted on 7 million people.”

The human cost has been profound as scientists from every discipline flooded into Bay Area cities and invented things that were supposed to make everyone more enlightened and more equal. In fact, the exact opposite has occurred.

“We still don’t know how it happened,” said Sergey Brin, a co-founder of Google. “The algorithm said our approach had a 97% chance of eliminating inequality. Maybe a society that believes some people are more fit than others is just doomed to fail.”

The first evidence that the theory of evolution was on the brink of failure came to light during a 2017 expedition to a local archipelago.

“I hate to admit it, but when you find an entire island populated by lesbian and transgender females who all have the same milky-brown skin color, you can’t believe in ‘survival of the fittest’ anymore,” said the mayor’s spokesperson.

“The fact that people are moving back into the trees is the final nail in the coffin,” she said. “Evolution is dead.”

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