The 94th annual Scripps National Spelling Bee ended abruptly yesterday after judges remembered that English is a fundamentally racist language.
“I’m really embarrassed,” said one judge. “I’ve repeatedly assured my friends that the English language itself is both racist and too hard for people of color to learn, but seven of our eight winners this year are brown children.”
“It’s even worse than that,” said another judge. “The last 14 champions and 19 of the past 23 have been Indian-American. I don’t know why we haven’t stopped subjecting these children to such linguistic hostility.”
The lead judge almost admitted that some cultures put a higher premium on education than others, but caught herself at the last moment. “Until we know what would account for this alleged discrepancy, we’re going with straight up racism,” she said.
This year marks the most extraordinary ending in the history of the racist competition, with eight spellers tying for first place. The eight co-champions spelled the final 47 words correctly, surviving five consecutive perfect rounds of intense structural and linguistic oppression.
Each will get the full winner’s prize of $50,000 in cash from a racist country that hates 7/8 of the winners.