Floatopia competes with Earth Day for record garbage haul

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — Thousands of true Climate Change believers descended on Chesapeake Bay for Floatopia 2019 in an effort to beat Earth Day 2019 for the most square miles of garbage left behind.

As the horde of Millennials headed homeward from Ocean Beach, officials thought they might have won. But the elation was short-lived.

“It was really bad, it was a disaster,” said City Manager Dan Hansen. “We left 10 tons of trash on the beach, but we’re not sure if Floatopia broke the Earth Day record or not because that information has been scrubbed from the Internet.”

Hansen said he spent eight hours scouring the Internet for data on Earth Day 2019 but came up empty.

“I was an absolute madman but all I got was three tons of garbage on Mt. Everest and articles about how recycling doesn’t work,” Hansen said. “Look, we’re all trying to achieve Utopia, but to have the uncertainty shoved in my face like that was really disappointing.”

The mostly 20-somethings left behind almost every kind of trash you can think of, Hansen said, but it wasn’t enough.

“Food wrappers, cans, bottles, pieces of floats, towels, everything. It was almost like they saw a tornado coming and everybody just got up and ran for safety and left everything there,” he said.

“Unfortunately, about 10 people stayed on after the event to clean up. If they hadn’t done that we might have won,” Hansen said, the disappointment clearly visible on his face.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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