Revolutionary toxic waste program treats homeless humans just like dogs

How do you distinguish human poop on a city sidewalk from, say, dog poop? The answer to that question is driving a revolutionary San Francisco recycling program that will eliminate feces and hypodermic needles from city streets.

“The answer is we don’t differentiate between canine and human behavior,” said Department of Public Works spokesperson Gordon Rachael. “All we care about is the outcome: how many pounds of feces or infected needles did we take off the streets today?”

The recycling program — named “Doo The Right Thang” — assumes that it doesn’t matter if dogs or humans are responsible for the city’s toxic waste, and DPW is encouraging people to clean up after animals regardless of species.

“In practical terms, it’s not a particularly important distinction where the waste came from,” said Rachael. “Residents just want it cleaned up, and handing out 400,000 needles a month isn’t any better than splitting hairs about who’s discarding those needles.”

To encourage conservation, the city will begin charging a 10-cent deposit on each hypodermic needle it gives away, raising $480,000 a year for cleanup efforts.

Residents of the city will also receive a 5-cent refund for every bag of feces delivered to Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital.

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