EU mandates EV batteries powered by bacteria and human urine

Germany — When scientists at Munich’s Pieseln Institute discovered that traditional electric vehicles emit even more CO2 than a Mercedes diesel, Chancellor Angela Merkel said she had no choice but to mandate that all new car batteries be powered by human urine.

The shocking report concluded that the world could end in just six years — half the time predicted by America’s Green New Deal — unless drastic, immediate, action was taken.

“I was shocked that the world could end before Eu-China 2025 takes effect, but the urine motor could save humanity,” Merkel said.

Following Merkel’s lead, the EU Directorate-General of Mobility and Transport issued an emergency declaration.

“The scale of the outrage in no way matches the magnitude of this disaster, so beginning in January 2020, all electric vehicles manufactured by or imported into the European Union must contain bacteria-based Microbial Fuel Cells (MFC) powered by human urine,” says the directive issued on April 20, 2019.

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The directive notes that processing the tons of lithium, cobalt and manganese needed for regular car batteries consumes so much energy that a Tesla Model 3 emits three times the amount of CO2 than allowable under EU cap and trade targets.

The Pieseln Institute team said they were shocked at the “urine motor” directive because their study recommends “methane engine” technology, which emits one-third the CO2 of diesel motors.

“We never said the EU should adopt urine-powered batteries,” said lead researcher Hans-Karl Verschwenden. “We said that previous CO2 emission limits pressured car manufacturers into a massive premature switch to electric vehicles, and that liquid methane engines are far more efficient.”

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