Bernie releases tax returns, joins Faith of the Seven Gods

On the day after Game of Thrones season 8 stormed back into America’s homes, Bernie Sanders released a decade’s worth of tax returns and announced that he has joined the Faith of the Seven Gods.

“I’ve spent years ranting against the excesses of the wealthiest Americans, and now I’m a member of the 1%,” the presidential contender admitted. “So I had the seven-pointed star carved into my forehead to prove my devotion to Our Revolution. Jane and I will be donating our seven-figure income to rebuild the Great Sept of Notre Dame.”

If Sanders’ seven-figure income came as a shock, his conversion to the Faith of the Seven did not. The Great Recession of 2008 birthed the failed ascetic Occupy movement, the Red Wedding of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama violated the Sacred Primary in 2015, and 2016’s War of the Six Candidates resulted in the election of Donald Trump.

“There has been a growing disillusionment with the nobility among the smallfolk,” Sanders said in a statement. “The people have been turning to faith for comfort and safety, but the breaking point came when Hillary cheated me out of my rightful seat on the throne.”

Since then, the fictional religious cult of Westeros has become a reality, born of an embittered critical mass of believers who say that all — high and lowborn alike — are equal in the eyes of the Gods and that we should no longer tolerate the excesses of the 1%.

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