State government adds ‘RIOT’ and ‘RESIST’ buttons to elevators

State government officials are installing extra buttons in elevators across the state so employees and visitors can more easily participate in important government-sponsored events.

Six new buttons direct people the the proper floor for riots, romps, panics, fusses, mixups, and events operated by the Resistance.

Most employees say they weren’t notified of the new buttons but appreciate them nonetheless.

“With the RESIST button, it’s really easy for me to find the regular Resistance strategy sessions,” says Felicia Byers, a legislative analyst for the State Assembly. “Plus, when conservative non-profit groups get upset about having their tax-exempt status revoked, all they have to do is push the FUSS button.”

State Lottery officials make the most use of the “ROMP” button in their elevators, which takes authorized employees to the floor with a full bar, dance floor, disco ball, and boxes of free swag for family members.

Not everyone is happy about the new buttons. Gov. Gavin Newsom said he would prefer the public be kept in the dark about taxpayer-funded Resistance meetings.

“Jerry Brown isn’t governor, so we don’t need the Brown Act anymore,” Newsom said, referring to the law which protects public’s right to attend and participate in legislative meetings. “And we don’t need Republicans showing up uninvited to strategy sessions, either.”

The “RIOT” button has caused the most concern among employees and the public alike.

“Nobody randomly puts a riot button in there,” Ms. Byers said. “Somebody, the ‘powers that be,’ knows something we don’t know and they don’t want to alarm us.”

Hassan Chop, spokesman for the Department of General Services, issued a statement reading: “The buttons were not ‘randomly’ installed. The state’s safety and emergency plan already requires employees to resist fascism wherever they find it. The ‘RIOT’ button takes loyal employees directly to the garage level where we store signs, masks, and other materials useful for rooting out fascists. We apologize to anyone who didn’t understand the wording.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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