U.N. to retroactively kill people not affected by seas that didn’t rise in 1989

United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres has announced a new plan to save millions of people from rising sea levels by the year 2031.

“To prevent mass deaths in the future, U.N. peacekeepers will begin killing large numbers of people who would have died in the year 2000 if climate change had actually caused oceans to start rising in 1989,” Guterres said.

Although rising ocean levels have still not covered the Maldives, inundated one-sixth of Bangladesh, or flooded one-fifth of Egypt’s arable land in the Nile Delta, projections say the world only has 12 more years to prevent it from happening this time.

“Governments have a 12-year window of opportunity to solve the greenhouse effect before it goes beyond human control,” said Guterres. “Coastal flooding and crop failures would create a flood of eco-refugees that threaten political chaos, which can be prevented by killing millions of retirees.”

Most of those to be murdered are people who were aged 39 or older the last time oceans didn’t rise, and are now planning to become useless husks of retired flesh.

There are no plans yet to murder large numbers of Americans, Guterres insisted, because the United States can afford the $50 trillion it would take protect its east coast. That cost rises to $93 trillion if protecting the west coast is added to the budget.

“If America wants to protect its heartland, millions of people in midwestern states unaffected by rising oceans will have to die,” Guterres said. “Someone has to make the hard choices.”

Former President Barack Obama supported the plan during a recent trip to Canada, but offered one minor suggestion. “We’re going to train a million Baracks and Michelles who are running around thinking they can change the world to do some of the killing.”

Editor’s Note: Very few people read an entire news article. For that reason, we moved the third paragraph to the end so the vast majority of readers won’t ever know of Barack’s collusion with the U.N. The Brie’s correction policy remains the most transparent in newspaper history.

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