Bring out your dead: Actors trained as HazMat workers key to L.A. typhus epidemic

Hollywood actors will cry “bring out your dead” as they roam City Hall in a desperate attempt to protect visitors from the mountains of trash that are native to the L.A. Typhus Zone.

Mountains of trash have caused a typhus epidemic in Los Angeles, but a special team trained to act like hazardous materials workers will eradicate the plague by roaming the environs near City Hall asking residents to “bring out your dead.”

Estela Lopez of the Downtown Industrial Business Improvement District said the city won’t “solve the typhus epidemic until you hit the cause, and the cause of it is mountains of trash.”

Where these “mountains” came from is unknown, but Mayor Gil Garcetti thinks they might be a geological anomaly previously unnoticed by government officials.

“We only noticed these mountains when Deputy City Attorney Liz Greenwood contracted the medieval disease that’s caused by trash,” said Garcetti. “Experts say they may have always been there but no one of consequence noticed them until a government official got sick.”

Greenwood believes she contracted typhus from fleas in her office at City Hall East. Fleas often live on rats, which congregate in the many naturally-occurring trash mountains that are visible across the city of L.A.

“There are rats in City Hall and City Hall East,” Greenwood said. “There are enormous rats and their tails are as long as their bodies.”

“I’m confident my plan will work,” said Garcetti. “If no other government official contracts this deadly disease, we will consider it a success. The epidemic will be over.”

The mountains of trash native to Los Angeles are less than a mile from City Hall and dozens of other government buildings. Officials think these mountains have always been there but no one of any consequence ever noticed them.
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