Three treasured mascots of the American forest were deported from California in 2018 before they could do any more damage to the Golden State, but newly-inaugurated Gov. Gavin Newsom is offering two of them a second chance.
With one condition.
The repatriation contract offered to Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl stipulates they must freely and publicly admit — in perpetuity, with no royalties — that “Only Massive Government Spending Can Stop Climate-Caused Wildfires.”
The two mascots responded by telephone.
“Americans used to believe that only YOU can stop forest fires,” Smokey said. “And that didn’t mean sending a trillion taxpayer dollars to third world shitholes so dictators and warlords could shovel it into their offshore accounts.”
“Broad strokes, we’re not giving up our identity just to please Gavin,” said Woodsy.
Newsom is not negotiating with the animal terrorists.
“Bottom line? They can’t participate in society without repenting their climate-denying ways,” said the governor. “And 97% of scientists agree we’re not forcing them to chant some religious incantation. We couldn’t find the deer, but when we do we’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.”
The three mascots were deported in August 2018 and again in October for saying the state’s politicized environmental policies were the proximate cause of the worst wildfires in the Golden State’s history. They chanted “fuck higher taxes” and “no justice no peace” before being gagged and hauled away by state immigration officials.