Yosemite publishes ‘Poop Map’ as San Francisco tourists turn park into shithole

Mountains of human waste at Yosemite National Park have prompted park rangers to publish a poop map to help tourists from San Francisco feel more at home.

“With restrooms closed due to the federal shutdown, Bay Area visitors used to pooping in the street don’t know how to poop in the woods,” National Parks Service spokesman Alvum Motus said via email.

“When I visit San Francisco, the poop map really helps me navigate the urban wilderness without catching Hepatitis A,” Motus said. “The least we can do is return the favor.”

“It’s like an urban free-for-all,” said Silva Stercus, 24, a Yosemite Valley resident. “There is more human waste and disregard for the rules than I’ve seen in all my years living here. If we can’t afford to wipe all the bottoms of people who visit, we may need to build a wall around San Francisco.”

Motus said if the poop map doesn’t help, rangers will profile visitors and provide free instruction manuals to those who don’t know how to shit in the woods.

“The paperback edition is $11.99 from Amazon, but if the federal government buys enough copies we can probably get that cost up to $30 even,” said Motus.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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