One day after the cost of constructing the state bullet train rose by yet another $11 billion, Governor-elect Gavin Newsom said, “Fuck it. We’re buying free personal helicopters for all.”
The news came as a shock to every taxpayer in the state, who had resigned themselves to spending an unknown — and rising — amount of money on 19th century technology.
Staffers of the California High‑Speed Rail Authority, who said plans have been under constant modification since 2008, were not surprised.
“The ‘bullet train’ stopped being an actual bullet train when we realized we’d have to share low-speed track with local commuter and freight services,” said a worker in Fresno who asked to remain anonymous. “That was in 2012.”
Projected costs have been all over the map, but the state never secured more than $13 billion in funding for the train, which might have eventually cost $100 billion.
Gov.-elect Newsom said pulling the plug now is vital. “I’m not refunding $3.5 billion to Donald Trump’s government under any circumstances,” he said, referring to the refund of federal monies required if California didn’t finish the train by December 2022.
“My administration will not repeat past mistakes,” Newsom said. “With that $3.5 billion we can make a down payment on 35,000 electric helicopters. If we’re honest, no one wanted to ride the train anyway.”