Three treasured mascots of the American forest — one of whom remains unidentified — have been deported from California a second time after exposing fraud in the 2017 wildfire cleanup effort.
The trio was first deported in August for saying the state’s politicized environmental policies were the proximate cause of the worst wildfires in the Golden State’s history. Government officials who confiscated falsified documents from the animals think they had help reentering the state illegally.
“The California Resistance is the only official entity allowed to expose federal crimes,” said Gov. Jerry Brown after the trio was deported again on Monday. “We can’t have non-state actors diminishing our public relations efforts, so the bear, the owl, and that fucking deer are no longer welcome here. Again. How many times do we have to deport these animals, anyway?”
The deportation order came just hours after the three protectors of the forest answered questions from the press while standing in a decimated Santa Rosa neighborhood.
“Gov. Brown asked the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to deploy in October 2017, admitting that state and local officials lacked the resources to clear still-smoldering toxic debris from 4,500 destroyed homes,” said Woodsy.
“But a bureaucratic mess revictimized California residents by damaging driveways, retaining walls and sidewalks that had not been damaged by the fire,” said Smokey. “These folks were traumatized by the fire, traumatized again by the cleanup, and traumatized a third time by the restoration efforts.”
State officials tried to score some points by taking over the press conference, but the unknown deer pushed his way to the microphone.
“California companies were paid by the ton to remove toxic soil from the property of other Californians,” said the deer. “The over-excavation was an intentional effort to capitalize on this tragedy by defrauding the government.”
Mark Ghilarducci, Director of the Office of Emergency Services, tried wrestled the deer to the ground, shouting something about political jurisdiction, but the deer refused to drop the mic.
“The feds used your tax money to clean up, and the state used your tax money again to fix the damage!” shouted the deer. “People are being repeatedly raped by government malfeasance!”
The three mascots chanted “fuck higher taxes” and “no justice no peace” before being gagged and hauled away by state immigration officials.
“I don’t give a shit if they’re on the Endangered Species list or not,” said Gov. Brown. “They’re outta here. Again.”
The Sacramento Brie attempted to determine the identity of the deer, but U.S. Department of Agriculture officials did not immediately return our calls.