“We’re going to Mars for the virgins,” said former NASA administrator Charles Bolden as the space agency celebrated its 60th birthday. “And there is no mission I can conceive of that would better serve the interests of science, math, engineering, and engaging the West with dominantly Muslim nations.”
Bolden, who was appointed by then-President Barack Obama in 2009, said the president continues to encourage Muslim outreach, even on planets that might not have any.
“We know that instruments on the orbiting Mars Express spacecraft found enough underground ice water to fill the Persian Gulf,” he said. “And we also know that virgins need water to survive.”
It is currently unknown if there are any virgins on the Red Planet, but President Obama remains undeterred.
“Let me be clear,” Mr. Obama said at the birthday celebration in Houston. “NASA opened for business 60 years ago today, and for decades has pushed the boundaries of space science. As for the future, it will not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam. And that’s where the virgins come in.”
Virgins are a key component to the Islamic faith, but in 2014 the General Authority of Islamic Affairs and Endowment (GAIAE) in the United Arab Emirates issued a Fatwa against Muslims going on a one-way journey to Mars.
“The GAIAE said that any attempt to dwell on the planet would be so hazardous as to be suicidal,” said Mr. Obama, “and killing oneself is not permitted by my Islamic faith. So if Muslims can’t go to Mars, we’ll just have to bring the virgins to Earth.”
Acting NASA administrator Robert Lightfoot, appointed in 2017, said President Trump is not opposed to bringing 72 million virgins home from Mars.
“People say there’s a Muslim immigration ban, but this mission proves otherwise,” said Lightfoot. “If there are 72 million Muslim virgins on Mars, bringing them home would probably secure peace in the Middle East.”