California’s favorite cis-gendered son was banned from “the playground” at San Francisco’s famous fetish festival this weekend, but his steely-dan gaze and fabulous hair made a magnificent impression on voters at the suspension booth.
“Gavin Newsom is running for Governor,” he told the crowd, most of whom knew perfectly well who he was. “And you will consent to vote for hashtag me-too.”
Some of the more cynical community organizers noted that Newsom chose this venue because of a recent surge in the popularity of “rope play,” not because he’s into it.
“Ropes and chains have recently achieved special status in the imagination of California voters,” said a go-go dancer who goes by Vyl (pronounced “vile”). “Last year he demanded our vote from the ball-busting platform. You can judge for yourself why that is.”
As Vyl wandered off into the crowd, Newsom stared purposely into the lens of the nearest camera, yanked his simulated sex partner firmly into the air, and gave the Folsom Street Fair version of his “stump speech” — which locals have taken to calling the “butt plug appeal.”
“There are only four good reasons to vote for me, but I know you’re busy so if you give me the safe word I’ll give you the cut down version,” Newsom joked.
“First, health care. At the end of a long day of hurting people and getting hurt, it’s important to have affordable coverage for all — and by San Francisco standards that means it has to cost less than five times the entire state budget,” he said.
“Second, the safe spaces of sanctuary cities are important. The Democratic Party stands for the people who don’t want to play with others. Trust me on that. I support cis-free zones, citizen-free zones, speech-free zones, whatever zones you want.”
“Third, the middle class. We can get more people off welfare if they’re not enslaved by a 9-to-5 job. Why should they work at a cash register, or fucking Target, or a fucking sneaker store when we can just give them middle class shit? I call that a fucking economic miracle. Fuck the free exchange of goods and services. Fuck Trump.”
“And fourth, inequality. California has the highest ratio of income inequality in the nation. San Francisco has the most expensive housing and we’re exporting the problem to the Central Valley. You say homelessness is worse than ever? I have one core belief: you need to trust the Democratic Party to fix it this time.”
One of Newsom’s handlers whispered into his ear and the next governor of California was hustled into a roped-off tent where he shrugged out of his tattooed redneck costume.
“What you’re wearing doesn’t mean consent,” he said to the assembled reporters. “An enthusiastic ‘yes’ means consent. And I expect an enthusiastic ‘yes’ from the only districts that matter on election day. You can quote me on that.”