Saint Colin continues his quest to preach truth to the powerful Goddess Nike


In our previous episode, Saint Colin threw heretic NFL players overboard in a storm, survived a snakebite, and spent three months on the island of Alcatraz. He now continues his dangerous journey to Embarcadero, where his status as a citizen of the empire gives him the special right to petition the Goddess Nike for up to $9 million in cash and bearer bonds, and a new Temple of Colin Fortuna Virilis.

After the winter storms were over, we sailed from Alcatraz on a Sausalitan ship with the figurehead of the semi-divine twin sons of Zeus, who were known for saving athletes lost at sea.

We put in at Treasure Island where Saint Colin fasted for seven days and seven nights, praying for a miracle from Nike, which greatly encouraged his posse. After a short peaceful voyage across the bay, we made our way down the coast, firebombing the Oakland Army Terminal and the Naval Supply Center before seeking refuge at Laney College.

That night, the guards allowed Colin to preach at Jack London Square, where many lost souls from the Occupy Movement were still camping out and living in their own excrement.

“Do not lose hope!” Colin implored the crowd. “With Nike’s help, and my new Temple, corporate greed and racism can still be defeated!”

This greatly encouraged the brothers and sisters, who invited us to stay in their camp for a week. Colin accepted after calling in a favor from the London Breed Poop Patrol, and our posse joined Occupy for seven more days of praying and fasting.

After replenishing our supply of firebombs from the Occupy arsenal, we set sail through Alameda Harbor and set fire to the U.S. Naval Reserve before stopping at Nob Hill Foods for lunch.

Once again, Colin urged us all to eat. “Eat, even if it is the white devil’s food, for you will need the energy if our attack on the Oakland Aviation Museum is to succeed.”

In this way, we circumnavigated San Francisco Bay, burning and plundering every military installation listed on Google Maps, and eventually arrived at Embarcadero, where Saint Colin was allowed to live by himself in a palatial home with 400 500 pairs of shoes and designer suits, guarded by a single officer of the imperial police, as he prepared himself with spiritual rigor for his pitch to the Goddess Nike.

Spoiler Alert: Stay tuned for the next exciting episode, in which Colin’s well-rehearsed elevator pitch succeeds, the Goddess grants his wish for $9 million and takes under advisement his proposal for the Temple of Colin Fortuna Virilis. See the previous shocking episode here.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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