Jerry Brown: ‘For great justice, all your bandwidths are belong to us. Lulz.’

AllYourBandwidthsWig

The Internet is serious business.

Net neutrality legislation in Senate Bill 822 sends Internet gatekeepers a strong signal that dismantling an independent internet will not be sanctioned by the Democratic supermajority, and that California will set us up the bomb to give The People fastest Internet speeds in history.

“It’s literally not the government’s responsibility to limit the kind of content everyone can download,” said Gov. Brown at today’s early-morning press conference with Attorney General Xavier Becerra and Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom.

“We’re not passing net neutrality because corporate censorship is state censorship,” said Gov. Brown. “We’re just colluding with party donors to make life so miserable for conservatives that they quit the game and don’t come back. Main InfoWars screen turn off, main Netflix screen turn on.”

“What the governor is saying is that your Netflix binges will stream full speed even after I’m elected,” clarified Newsom. “But your neighbors can’t be allowed to clog up the pipe with idiotic conspiracy theories, hate speech, false educational videos, or political rhetoric that’s unsafe to the black community.”

“I’m not being willfully antisocial, but if you don’t like it you can take a ride in the FBI party van,” Brown added. “Our job is to safeguard the quality of the people’s Internet. If anyone can access any crackpot idea they want, then all your bandwidths are belong to us. Lulz.”

Attorney General Xavier Becerra said the state is concerned that the people’s morale remain an actual quantifiable source of success.

When asked what that meant, Becerra elaborated. “If you’re asking me how to make conservatives like Dennis Prager shut up, well, they’ve sunk real time, real money, and, above all, real emotion into building the biggest, baddest spaceship they can afford, and they paid for it with the proceeds of hundreds of hours mining asteroids.”

“It’s impossible to make another person stop playing or quit the game unless their spirit is, you know, crushed,” Becerra added. “But let me be clear. We’re not telling Facebook to blow that spaceship up.”

Gavin Newsom, the Democratic front-runner to win the governor’s seat in November, agreed. “Elections have consequences. Conservatives just have no chance to survive make your time,” he said. “We will not allow big tech oligarchs to choke off smaller independent sites with unaffordable fees for faster service when they can just delete fake websites, cancel cloud accounts belonging to bigots, and send your GoFundMe balance back to hate-filled donors without explanation.”

Gov. Brown tagged Newsom and continued. “Public safety must be priority one. When Verizon can throttle the fire department’s Internet speed while anyone is still able to watch InfoWars or Prager University … well, that’s where I draw the line.”

Becerra drove home the point that his job as Attorney General is to provide social justice for everyone.

“What I enjoy most about the game is making other players not enjoy it,” said Becerra. “It’s all about social justice, so we’ll be corpse campers, noob baiters, kill stealers, and even ninja looters if that makes Republicans log off in a huff.”

The message to voters is that corporations aren’t bound to protect free speech on their private platforms, and Democrats like it that way.

Gov. Brown says his approach will make the Democrats’ spirit ultimately uncrushable. “You may think we’re playing Net Neutrality,” he said. “But be warned: We’re actually playing Something Awful.”


Editor’s note: This post has been updated to clarify what the definition of “are” is.

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