5:20 p.m. Tolerant Liberals proud of a sexual orientation they didn’t choose are flooding into Dixon to protest tonight’s kickoff of Straight Pride American Month (SPAM).
5:21 p.m. The newest Pride Month on the calendar is the brainstorm of Dixon’s vice mayor Ted Hickman, who wants Conservatives to be proud of a sexual orientation they didn’t choose.
5:25 p.m. Twelve gay protesters have told me, “Ted Hickman is a fuddy-duddy old impotent white man who called gay men ‘fairies’ and he needs to resign.”
5:27 p.m. I can see one lone fuddy-duddy old impotent white man in support of SPAM. I can’t tell how many others there are among the hundreds of protesters.
5:30 p.m. American flags are proudly being displayed by supporters of gay and straight pride. Going by the numbers, the gay contingent is more proud.
5:45 p.m. One Dixon family has set up a table in front of their house, where they’re offering free “snow cones” to anyone.
5:46 p.m. “We don’t want one person’s comments to stereotype our city,” says one person with a snow cone. “Right,” says another person. “We want other people’s comments to stereotype our city.”
6:00 p.m. A helicopter has landed in front of City Hall, festooned with SPAM logos. A man dressed like Evel Knievel is getting into the helicopter.
6:05 p.m. The helicopter is hovering over Dixon.
6:06 p.m. The crowd is curious about the helicopter but well behaved. The man in the American flag suit is unfurling a banner from the door of the helicopter. It says “HAPPY SPAM MONTH.”
6:07 p.m. I think I hear something now. The man is talking through a loudspeaker over the noise of the rotors, but no one can tell what he’s saying.
6:08 p.m. Wait. The man looks like he’s going to jump. Yes, he’s jumping! Oh no! Are you getting this? He’s falling. I don’t see a parachute! He’s crashing to earth! He just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible!
6:09 p.m. Everyone’s running around pushing each other. Oh, the humanity! I can’t stand here and watch this anymore. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenburg has there been anything like this.
6:10 p.m. The crowd is hushed. Vice Mayor Ted Hickman is speaking.
6:11 p.m. “As God is my witness, I thought heterosexuals could fly.”
6:12 p.m. Film at 11.