Live-tweeting from Dixon, California, it’s Straight Pride American Month


5:20 p.m. Tolerant Liberals proud of a sexual orientation they didn’t choose are flooding into Dixon to protest tonight’s kickoff of Straight Pride American Month (SPAM).

5:21 p.m. The newest Pride Month on the calendar is the brainstorm of Dixon’s vice mayor Ted Hickman, who wants Conservatives to be proud of a sexual orientation they didn’t choose.

5:25 p.m. Twelve gay protesters have told me, “Ted Hickman is a fuddy-duddy old impotent white man who called gay men ‘fairies’ and he needs to resign.”

5:27 p.m. I can see one lone fuddy-duddy old impotent white man in support of SPAM. I can’t tell how many others there are among the hundreds of protesters.

5:30 p.m. American flags are proudly being displayed by supporters of gay and straight pride. Going by the numbers, the gay contingent is more proud.

5:45 p.m. One Dixon family has set up a table in front of their house, where they’re offering free “snow cones” to anyone.

5:46 p.m. “We don’t want one person’s comments to stereotype our city,” says one person with a snow cone. “Right,” says another person. “We want other people’s comments to stereotype our city.”

6:00 p.m. A helicopter has landed in front of City Hall, festooned with SPAM logos. A man dressed like Evel Knievel is getting into the helicopter.

6:05 p.m. The helicopter is hovering over Dixon.

6:06 p.m. The crowd is curious about the helicopter but well behaved.  The man in the American flag suit is unfurling a banner from the door of the helicopter. It says “HAPPY SPAM MONTH.”

6:07 p.m. I think I hear something now. The man is talking through a loudspeaker over the noise of the rotors, but no one can tell what he’s saying.

6:08 p.m. Wait. The man looks like he’s going to jump. Yes, he’s jumping! Oh no! Are you getting this? He’s falling. I don’t see a parachute! He’s crashing to earth! He just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible!

6:09 p.m. Everyone’s running around pushing each other. Oh, the humanity! I can’t stand here and watch this anymore. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenburg has there been anything like this.

6:10 p.m. The crowd is hushed. Vice Mayor Ted Hickman is speaking.

6:11 p.m. “As God is my witness, I thought heterosexuals could fly.”

6:12 p.m. Film at 11.


Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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