“God as my witness, our values are under assault,” Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom told reporters gathered outside a San Francisco sex dungeon after winning California’s gubernatorial primary election.
“We’re engaged in an epic battle against Donald Trump’s War on California,” the restless former mayor said. “He hasn’t focused for decades on taxes, homelessness, bad roads, schools, water supplies, forest fires, or child poverty. Now it’s all out of control. We don’t try to pick fights, but when you attack our values, you attack our diverse communities … you gotta push back. I remember bullies in school. You don’t do well just being subservient.”
Newsom had a 5-Year Plan to Abolish Chronic Homelessness when he was mayor of San Francisco. Now, his 10-Year Plan to end the war on California is a combination of the American and Soviet approaches that stabilized Western Europe after World War II.
The plan would pay for guaranteed health care for all, affordable housing for all, aging with dignity for all, a “cradle-to-college” promise for all, and a middle-class workforce strategy for all.
“It’s absolutely incumbent on the next governor to, with vigor, tackle these issues,” Newsom said as he led the pool of reporters into the sex dungeon. “It’s out of control, and it’s unacceptable everywhere you go. We need an all-hands approach to ending all California’s chronic problems for all in 10 years.”
Newsom admits that his five-year plan worked about as well as the Soviet plan to join NATO in 1954, but says his 10-year plan is twice as good. The plan starts with doing something California hasn’t done since construction started on Disneyland in 1954: build 378,000 homes a year for the next 10 years.
“I’ll need to have a different relationship with local government,” he said, “because mayors are not incentivized for good behavior on housing. We must have a very, very different conversation about which cities will raise tax revenues according to their ability, and which cities will receive a larger share of taxes according to their need.”
The “perversity” of that relationship is “not lost on me” as a former mayor, Newsom said once we were inside the sex dungeon. “It may require me to punish local jurisdictions if they don’t meet my housing goals.”
Newsom said punishments could include “withholding state transportation funding or harnessing the sweat equity of civil servants until they say the safe word.”
Anonymous sources say Newsom plans to convert the Capitol basement into an Eco Fitness gym that uses modified exercise bikes to push power back into the electrical grid. Political appointees in charge of social policy would be harnessed to the bikes until they utter the safe word “audacious.”
As if on cue, Newsom guided the pool of reporters into a private room in the sex dungeon and sat down on a sumptuous red leather couch. “We need specific plans, specific goals – yes, audacious goals,” he said. “If you want to solve a problem, you’ve got to be audacious, and the biggest frustration I have is the inability to get public housing projects started.”
“I’m always going to be a guy to advance audacious goals,” Newsom continued, now into the third hour of the impromptu 1 a.m. press conference. “I think the worst thing you can do is have small-ball goals and actually meet them. I’d rather miss audacious goals, because in the process you discover what’s possible.”
As reporters straggled out of the sex dungeon into the chilly San Francisco darkness, everyone agreed it looks increasingly possible that Newsom will be California’s next Democratic governor.