Breaking Update: Law enforcement authorities on the Big Island have charged the goddess Pele with a hate crime after she used a traditional Hawaiian assault weapon called a “Pa’oa” in an attempt to murder haole tourists. The Pa’oa – or “fire stick” in English – is a high-capacity fully automatic weapon capable of causing mass casualties. Police Chief Paul Ferreira says his officers are confiscating replica fire sticks from tourist shops and attempting to take Pele into custody. Anyone with knowledge of her whereabouts is asked to contact Chief Ferreira personally.
In a pique of toxic feminine domestic violence, Hawaiian goddess Pele used her legendary Pa’oa “fire stick” on Thursday to shoot “ballistic blocks” at tourists who had gathered to watch the Kilauea event.
No one was injured in the shooting, but high-velocity rounds the size of microwave ovens shot out of Kilauea’s barrel and fell downrange in nearby Leilani Estates.
Biff Tannen and his wife Jennifer said their children avoided death only by taking cover behind their rented Ford Expedition.
“I’m pretty sure the rental contract doesn’t cover acts of goddesses,” said Tannen. “But that’s what we deserve for trying to appropriate the culture of Hawaiians. Good thing my Mastercard isn’t maxed out yet.”
Science expert Neil deGrasse Tyson said Pele could be punishing parents for driving sport utility vehicles that cause global warming.
“You’d be pissed off too if a bunch of parents drove their entitled brats around in carbon-spewing SUV’s,” Tyson said. “We’ve had these kinds of conversations before, and scientists need to do everything we can to protect the freedom of assembly for haoles. But they shouldn’t be able to appropriate Pele’s cultural right to destroy the island.”
Officials from the US Geological Survey were on hand to protect residents from ash, smoke, lava, and flying boulders, but they also had to respect Pele’s right to cover the Big Island in hot lava and toxic vog.
Vog is a form of air pollution that results when sulfur dioxide and other gases and particles emitted by an erupting volcano react with oxygen and moisture in the presence of sunlight. The word is a combination of “volcanic”, “smog”, and “fog”.
“Scientists worked very hard to put themselves in the best position to de-escalate, and that’s what you saw Thursday morning,” said Hawaii’s Mayor Harry Kim. “Did Pele exploit those tactics, that space that we facilitated for her to have her peaceful climate protest? Yes she did. But we didn’t endorse it. We didn’t allow it.”
Nearby residents are being asked to shelter in place if they are in the path of Pele’s feminine rage. An ash plume Wednesday rose roughly 12,000 feet into the air, and on Tuesday the USGS issued a red alert, which means a major cultural event is imminent or underway.