Starbucks to close 8,000 stores for 3 months for bias education programs

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Philadelphia – Starbucks Coffee Company (NASDAQ: SBUX) today announced it will be closing its more than 8,000 company-owned stores in the United States from May 29 through September 30 to conduct a potentially infinite number of bias education programs geared toward preventing discrimination.

The three-month closure was announced by CEO Kevin Johnson.

“This is not just a Starbucks issue,” said Johnson. “This is a societal issue. People can react differently to others based on skin color whether it’s from birth, military service, or a tanning booth. Just ask the orange-faced Mafia don with small hands who’s posing as president.”

Starbucks prides itself for its diversity and inclusion program, and the three-month training process will start by addressing sexual identity disorder, gender identity disorder, racial identity disorder, ethnic identity disorder, pregnancy identity disorder, genetic identity disorder, disability identity disorder, religion identity disorder, age identity disorder, cultural identity disorder, life experiences disorder, thought disorder, and idea disorder.

“Starbucks employees have work to do, and we need to be productive,” said Johnson. “We can all be more productive if we eliminate implicit bias, promote conscious inclusion, prevent discrimination, and ensure everyone inside a Starbucks feels safe and welcome. Except Republicans.”

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