Facebook buys fleet of used industrial washing machines to ‘clean the news’ before anyone reads it


Citing the 2016 failure of its “news curator” program to adequately scrub the news, social media giant Facebook has purchased a fleet of used industrial-sized washing machines.

The machines were originally built in India for the American inflatable bounce-house rental industry, but skyrocketing injuries have caused many of those companies to go bankrupt.

“If these things can sanitize a commercial bounce house after a birthday party of fifty toddlers in diapers, they can clean the news for the millions of Americans who use Facebook,” company founder Mark Zuckerberg said at a photo-op announcing the purchase.

“We care so much about what our users ingest that we’re going all in,” said Zuckerberg. “We started with a purchase of ten thousand units.”

Although financial details were not released to the public, experts say Zuckerberg got an excellent deal.

“You can make a killing any time you buy used equipment from bankrupt companies that profited from injured kids,” said one buyer who requested anonymity. “Especially when the media makes sure everyone in America hears about it.”

Most of the machines will be housed in the basement of Facebook’s headquarters in Silicon Valley, but news analysts estimate that up to a thousand may have been distributed to corporate partners across the country.

One of the machines is already in use by fact-checkers at Snopes.com.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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