Progressives travel up to 650 miles for chance to win ‘free ice cream for life’

Downtown_Commons_Construction

Downtown Commons is still a construction site which bears no resemblance to the artist’s rendering. But the Sacramento Brie is sure it will be a huge success.

When Haagen-Dazs announced its brand new retail location at the Downtown Commons, art gallery worker Abe Normal from Smith River jumped into his 1974 VW Karmann Ghia and headed for Sacramento.

“Hey, man,” said Normal, “we’ve got enough weed up here to last a lifetime, but limited supplies of munchies. I’d drive a thousand miles for free ice cream for life. I’m, like, why isn’t the government doing this?”

Normal, who works at the McMillen Art Gallery less than a mile from the Oregon border, seemed unfazed when our reporter pointed out that the offer was “free ice cream for a year.”

A thousand miles to the south, Winterhaven Post Office worker Betty Comeon used a week of vacation time just to be one of the first 500 customers.

“I’m retiring next year,” she said through the open window of her 1980 Plymouth Volare. “And we know what Republicans do to retired postal workers. This is my chance to get mine before they get me.”

Other Hillary voters came from cities within a reasonable driving distance or took Amtrak for the January 13 opening.

Downtown Commons spokesman Defrod Beard provided an artist’s rendering of the new venue, but the Sacramento Brie‘s photographer witnessed a very different setting. The site of the Haagen-Dazs store is still a construction zone.

“We call it DOCO,” said Beard. “And this is where the locals hang out and visitors from around the globe experience this region at its finest. Sacramento is the next Great American City. We take no responsibility for travelers who think they’re getting free ice cream for life.”

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