Thousands of third-wave feminists in Southern California went into a catatonic fugue state today when KFPK Radio in Los Angeles reported that a “giant sperm from space” had targeted the West Coast for involuntary fertilization.
In fact, the enormous spermatozoa-shaped object was just a SpaceX rocket from Vandenberg Air Force Base carrying satellites into orbit.
The Falcon 9 booster lifted off from coastal Vandenberg shortly before 5:30 p.m. Friday, and reflected light from the setting sun caused Pacifica Radio broadcasters to speculate the shining streak was “military ejaculate” from a covert program operated by the Trump administration.
In an unexplained and deeply creepy paradox, 911 systems from San Fernando to San Diego were overwhelmed with reports of people spreading themselves into the missionary position and moaning the name of the President.
Air Force officials from Vandenberg said SpaceX had launched Iridium satellites into orbit in June, and that feminists should know better and “calm the fuck down.”
“This is the final launch of 2017, so we won’t be raping you from space until 2018,” said base commander Col. Thomas Baiser. “Merry Christmas.”
