As more victims speak out about sexual abuse at the hands of government officials like Judge Roy Moore and Senator Al Franken (D-MN), the federal Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is adding hundreds of living-wage jobs in government programs that will revolutionize sexual behavior in American workplaces.
Ibn Al Sharade, an attorney on the EEOC’s Sexual Revolution Task Force, says the federal government will confront the utter failure of workplace sexual harassment training with a series of socialist improvements.
“Three decades of government-mandated training literally had zero effect in socializing sexual predators,” says Sharade. “In fact, we think such programs had a hand in creating the so-called ‘toxic male.’ We’re going to fix that once and for all.”
Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) has introduced legislation codifying the new EEOC programs into federal law.
“The problem started in the 1960s with sexual hedonism, free love, and communes led by enlightened old white male gurus,” he says. “But when my colleague Al Franken is outed as a sexual pervert, you know partial socialism has failed. What we need are revolutionary socialist government programs that will put a lock box on sexual abuse in our communities.”
The first step is to revolutionize workplace training courses, says Sharade.
“Most current courses are stilted and do not engage the whole person,” he says. “Our new face-to-face role-playing classes will feature experienced Hollywood actors, and employees will be subjected to actual sexual abuse in front of their colleagues.”
Government first responders will be on-site, says Sharade, a component lacking in current programs. “Companies didn’t take this approach before because it’s more expensive, more difficult, and takes more time,” he says.
When pressed, Sharade admitted the new program would be illegal under current federal law, a shortcoming that Sen. Sanders will remedy.
“You have to do something,” says Sanders. “And we know sexual socialism works. How much sexual assault is there in Cuba? You’ve got to break a few eggs when making an omelette.”
A second step in the forthcoming programs involves technology.
Kevin Care, CEO of technology startup SS4, says his 4th generation “Stasi Suit” will end workplace harassment forever if the training doesn’t.
“Sexual harassment training fails because everyone knows it’s an exercise in futility designed to avoid lawsuits,” he told The Brie. “That’s where my $10,000 suit comes in. Every touch is logged by an onboard computer, and 360-degree microcameras record every angle. Sexual harassment is literally impossible. You might think of it as a whole body ankle bracelet. It’s like living on a Hollywood soundstage 24/7, except without all the sexual harassment.”
Under a provision in the new legislation, no one will have to pay for the $10,000 suit, but the EEOC has already placed an order for five million units.
“We hope we never have to use them,” says Sharade. “But the public can rest easy knowing we have them.”
The combination of training and technology might be a first in human history, he says. “Under the old regime, employees could easily zone out and not even pay attention to the training. These new methods really help people focus on the problem.”
This “sexual socialism” – as Sen. Sanders calls it – will be rolled out in phases to workplaces in select states, and won’t be America’s final solution for about a decade. But experts say it’s important to educate the public now. The Sacramento Brie is proud to do our part in keeping readers informed.