Help wanted: CA Treasurer needs men, guns, to guard ‘mountains’ of drug cash

State Treasurer John Chiang says his staff is already testing the security measures needed to deal with mountains of drug cash.

California State Treasurer John Chiang, a candidate for Governor in 2018 and a vocal opponent of both toxic masculinity and firearms, wants to use tough men with guns to guard tax receipts that will flow into state coffers from cannabis sales that violate federal law.

Banks are regulated by the feds and won’t do business with pot merchants, and the state’s cut of the new $7 billion marijuana market could be as much as $1 billion. In cash.

“We’ll be transporting mountains of cash to secret counting facilities,” said Chiang. “And too many Californians lack the self-control needed to resist committing armed robbery. That’s why we need hard, armed, men to protect our take.”

Chiang proposes using armored cars, but security inside the counting facilities also needs to be worked out.

“It’s the same problem that faced my ancestors who ran China’s opium trade,” Chiang said. “Low-paid workers handling obscene quantities of cash have always been tempted to steal. We think a combination of armed security and extreme vetting by CalHR will produce an ethically viable workforce.”

What happens to the cash after it’s counted is also an issue. Since banks won’t touch the money paid to cannabis businesses, banks are also suspicious of accepting tax receipts generated by the illegal trade.

The state’s Cannabis Banking Working Group suggested that changes are needed in Washington, but that seems unlikely anytime soon.

So Chiang plans to launder the drug money in Mexico.

“We simply cannot allow the clash between state and federal law to cripple legal California cannabis businesses before they even get up and running,” Chiang said. “We’re using our extensive network of undocumented immigrants to create an undocumented money laundering operation.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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