Anonymous candidates debate issues as ‘I am a Muslim’ goes mainstream


Candidates at last night’s Democratic gubernatorial debate delivered hard-hitting policy solutions while showing solidarity with the 1% of Americans who identify as Muslim.

The theme of the night was “Diversity Visa Program is our Strength.” And, in an impressive show of unity and diversity, each candidate agreed to wear an “American patriot burka” under the new “religion and gender equality” ground rules governing Democratic Party debates.

“I’m a Muslim, too,” said DNC Chairman Tom Perez. “And we all feel it’s important to focus on solutions, not identities. Everyone is equal, so it doesn’t matter if the speakers on stage are the actual candidates or not. Of course, they are, but what’s important is that diversity is our strength.”

The auditorium on the university campus was filled to capacity as Anderson Cooper tried to keep the exchanges civil.

On economic issues, the speaker second from left accused the one in the middle of “bad judgment” because “she is dependent on big money interests.” The feisty opponent easily nullified the attack, calling “her” attacker “sexist and insensitive to gender identity.”

In a fierce exchange over Israel, each speaker in turn took criticism of “Zionism” to new levels until Cooper somehow managed to regain control.

“Now that we’ve exhausted Israel, let’s move on to Palestine,” Cooper said. “This question comes from Twitter user @AllahuAkbar, and is for the candidate on the far right, which is stage left: ‘Do you support a two-state solution like the other imperialist dogs in this debate?'”

“My opponents are on the wrong side of history, but dogs are womyn’s best friend,” said the speaker at stage-left. “We agree that we’re all Muslims now, and America will not be divided on the issue of Palestine.”

At the end of the night, it was unclear which candidate won, but former DNC operative Donna Brazile said the party can do better.

“What’s important is that a Democrat won tonight, but the playing field is still not level,” she said. “Everyone knew there were four men and one woman on that stage, and they were all white. America will be united when every candidate agrees to wear a full-body Islamic burka.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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