Just days before Halloween, in a cynical plot that encouraged Americans to ignore millions of children with deadly peanut allergies, journalists at FiveThirtyEight published the results of an experiment that pitted “dozens of fun-sized candy varietals against one another.”
The results were shocking: Forty percent of the top ten candies contained peanuts.
The 538 author admitted that he is “a stay-at-home dad who recently learned of a child’s mild peanut allergy.” But rather than imploring readers to immediately destroy all candies that might kill innocent young strangers on Halloween night, he reveled in the data of death.
Using a “full typology” of available candies and “access to some of the most powerful statistical software available on the market,” he tried to answer the question: “Can we build the perfect Frankencandy based on this information?”
The “best” candy, he wrote, would have chocolate, nougat, caramel, wafer, and peanut butter. He even suggested that candy-makers should illegally import the deadly concoction from “a castle looming over an Eastern European village.”
The medically-contemptuous article went viral on social media the day before Halloween, and hysterical parents from the four corners of the Union tried in vain to stop if from spreading.
Concerned about the safety of all Americans, law enforcement officials from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration raided the New York City offices of 538, seizing boxes of computers and candy. Four members of the 538 staff, whose names are being withheld by authorities, were arrested.
Witnesses to the raid say they knew the four co-conspirators personally, describing them as “good neighbors” who were “cordial and peaceful.”
However, some people present during the arrests say the collaborators showed no repentance for their crime.
“I saw the whole thing,” said Clymene Mecone, an attorney with offices in the same building. “As the cops hauled them off, one of them shouted ‘this isn’t over yet’ and something about an ‘abomination business.'”
The FDA said they’ve alerted the International Criminal Police Organization, more commonly known as Interpol, about the Macedonian connection.
“We’re very concerned that these ‘Frankencandies’ pushed by American journalists could be linked to the Macedonian content farmers who murdered Hillary Clinton’s chances at winning the presidency,” said the FDA.