Disgraced former movie mogul Harvey Weinstein volunteered to enter the Progressive 12-Step Sex Addiction rehab program last week, but was ousted after Step 1.
At a press conference held outside The Bellows rehabilitation facility in Palm Springs, the embattled Weinstein accused his former Hollywood, NYC, and D.C. comrades of colluding to deny him equal rights.
“Everyone knew about my private consensual sex life!” he bellowed. “And it’s not like I didn’t have sexual relations in the Oval Office. When do I get my confessional with Jesse Jackson? Where’s my schedule of appearances on late night TV? Where’s my legal defense fund? This is a vast left-wing conspiracy! The Progressive 12-Step process is not working for me, and I know who’s responsible!”
Weinstein didn’t name names, but anonymous sources tell The Sacramento Brie that he is, in fact, the only kingmaker in modern Progressive history who has not received the 12 Steps promised by what industry insiders call “the playbook.”
Step 1 Scandal
Step 2 Liberal Tears
Step 3 Interview
Step 4 Blame-Shifting
Step 5 Counseling with Faith Leader
Step 6 Legal Defense Fund
Step 7 Intensive Rehab
Step 8 Leaked Non-Apology Apology
Step 9 Promise to Make Amends
Step 10 Victorious Reentry
Step 11 Interview With Oprah
Step 12 Go To Step 1