Colin Kaepernick shipwrecked on Alcatraz, bitten by viper, survives


In our previous episode, the imprisoned Colin went before King Gripngrin to testify about how living in a white empire that elected a black president caused him to persecute black people and how the Great White Goodell gave him super millionaire powers on the road to the Superbowl. We pick up the story as he embarks on a dangerous voyage to Embarcadero.

We set out from Tiburon on the Day of Atonement, and sailing was dangerous. So Colin warned everyone: “Persons, our voyage is going to be disastrous and bring great loss to ship and cargo, and to our own lives also.”

But the imperial police ceaselessly flogging Colin followed the advice of Richard Whiting, owner of the good ship Lollipop: since the restaurants in Tiburon were not white or privileged enough, the majority decided that we should sail on, hoping to reach the sanctuary of Embarcadero.

The Lollipop weighed anchor and sailed along the shore of Angel Island, where she was caught in hurricane force winds with the unbelievably racist name of “El Niño.” We gave way and were driven along, afraid we would run aground on the sandbars of Sausalito. We took such a violent battering that we began to throw the NFL players overboard.

On the fourteenth day, when the lights went down in the city, and the sun shone no longer on the Bay, we finally gave up all hope of being saved.

But Colin stood up and said: “Persons, you should have taken my advice not to sail to the city that’s 48% white, only 6% black, where the median rent is $4,000. But keep up your courage. Except for the people you already threw overboard, we’re all going to survive. But we must run aground on some island and take a knee before I can save us.”

Just then, the sailors sensed we were approaching land. Fearing we would be dashed against the rocks, we dropped four NFL players from the stern and prayed for daylight.

Then Colin urged us all to eat. “You have been in constant suspense and haven’t eaten anything. Kneel, and eat your watercress mayo sandwiches, mushrooms in white wine sauce, and ridiculously easy garbanzo beans. Even if it is the white devil’s food, you will need it to survive.”

After he said this, he gave thanks to Goodell in front of us all. We were encouraged and lightened the ship by throwing the leftovers into the sea.

When daylight came, we cut loose the NFL players and made for the beach. But the ship ran aground. The bow stuck fast and would not move. The stern was broken to pieces by the pounding surf.

A photo of St. Colin with his girlfriend and the Snake Goddess of Social Justice (center).

The imperial police planned to kill the remaining NFL players to prevent any of them from swimming away. But the grace of Goodell kept them from carrying out their plan and everyone reached land safely.

Once safely on shore, we found out the island was called Alcatraz. The islanders showed us unusual kindness. They built a fire because it was raining and cold. Colin gathered a pile of brushwood and a viper named Sarsour fastened itself on his hand.

When the islanders saw that the snake caused Colin no ill effects, they said to each other, “This man must be a saint; for he escaped from the sea and the Goddess of Social Justice has allowed him to live.”

Spoiler Alert: Stay tuned for the next exciting episode, in which Colin is tricked by the Great White Goodell, abandons his faith, and uses his super millionaire powers for the Dark Side.


Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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