Richard Branson launches line of Virgin Sexbots for social justice progressives

VirginSexbots

Branson poses with one of his Virgin Sexbots, the “Hillary” model.

Virgin executive Richard Branson has never been satisfied with the future. From his early success with Virgin Records in 1971, to development of Virgin Galactic’s commercial spacecraft, Branson has always pushed the envelope of human experience.

Humanity’s foreplay with sexual robots, however, is deeply concerning to the billionaire entrepreneur.

“The Foundation for Responsible Robotics has raised concerns that the growth of erotic cyborgs could lead to an increase in sex crimes,” Branson says. “Guilt free sex with a submissive robot could encourage objectification, abuse, rape and paedophilia.”

His response to the intersection of technology and human sexuality is typically Bransonesque.

“Virgin Sexbots is solving these problems with a Social Justice approach,” he says. “We’re building a fleet of sexbots programmed with a codebase of Progressive morals.”

The “Hillary Clinton” model, for instance, is aimed at the cheating feminist husband demographic. Her complex codebase reduces a customer’s tendency toward serial adultery by a series of nuanced responses, including feigned ignorance, codependent indulgence, and icy stand-your-ground rejection.

The “Lena Dunham” model takes on the toxic masculinity of rape culture with a blunt-force approach of sheer unattractiveness that makes real women utterly undesirable.

The “Beyoncé” is both the most attractive and best-selling model, but she refuses to be purchased by a man and makes it clear that under no circumstances will she be returned for a refund. This pre-sale behavior causes 83 percent of men and 97 percent of women to have an orgasm within 60 seconds – whether or not they purchase any model from Virgin Sexbots.

Other models – each programmed to address different moral and sexual dysfunctions – include the “Marilyn Manson,” the “Chelsea Manning,” the “Ashley Judd” and the “Elizabeth Warren.”

It’s this advanced artificial intelligence, paired with uncanny human behavior, that Branson believes will revolutionize rape culture out of existence.

“It’s like a combination of the Sexual and Bolivarian Revolutions,” says Branson. “Humans have nothing to lose but their chains, which we’ll replace with silky Social Justice restraints.”

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