Help, I can’t stop hooking up with Trumpists, BernieBots, and Clintonites, in that order


By Krystl Meph

When someone asks about my worst hookup, I have plenty of options to choose from because I’m a student Democrat at UC Berkeley. But I inevitably end up telling the same story. It’s the one where I started arguing with a Trump supporter at a bar and then before I knew it, as I was leaving the bathroom after an explosive orgasm, a Bernie supporter grabbed me by the intellect, hauled me into the womyn’s bathroom and tried to fuck my brains out while preaching about transgender bathroom rights – which did nothing for me sexually but was obviously really good for him so I let him finish – and on the way out a drunken Hillary supporter said if I was going to give it to a Trumpist and a BernieBot then he certainly deserved a shot, so we went to the back alley where I gave him the best blowjob in the history of blowjobs, including the Oval Orifice job that got Bill impeached.

This was in early 2016 when I was a first-year freshmen in college and – while it doesn’t excuse my choice of multiple partners – it was before Pussygate, before the suggestion of Trump’s violence against his opponents, before Clinton’s blatant cheating in the primary, and before Bernie’s pathetic Stockholm Syndrome.

But it wasn’t the Synaesthesia – a neurological phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway, in other words, BernieBots can be perceived as having huge cocks, or Hillary supporters can be perceived as having honest personality traits, but Trumpists end up being the obvious sexual choice  – it was the fact that I was legitimately turned on by Ronald Reagan’s face and the “Don’t Tread On Me” flag.

And it wasn’t that Mr. Trump Supporter provided the “worst” sex – because it was awesome fucking, and to my own surprise, we kept hooking up despite my impression that our political opinions were diametrically opposed.

Sure, it bothered me that honest sex felt weird because I was used to cheating and lying, but the worst thing was, after that, I started sleeping with a Bernie supporter with a small dick and a Hillary supporter who only wanted blowjobs. Sometimes at the same time, which was both disgusting and inevitable.

As much as I really like the idea of sleeping with people whose values are clearly the same as my own even though the sex is terrible, I can’t stop being attracted to awesome, honest, sex – especially since the election – and then hooking up with narcissists who don’t even pretend an interest in getting me off.


Maybe it’s because I’m a extremely competitive person, and knowing that the 27th Trump supporter I’m with is on the winning team (even though Hillary really won) just forces that competitiveness into overdrive. I get an odd sense of vindication after sleeping with one of them, so maybe I have to compensate by risking depression and genital warts by sleeping with Democrats who literally don’t give a fuck about me.

But, in an odd way, sleeping with Trump supporters and then Bernie supports and then Hillary supporters – in an endless repeating cycle –  reaffirms my own political and personal values of cognitive dissonance and pathological misogyny. I don’t think I could ever have a serious relationship with anyone, really, and I can’t be with someone who won’t understand why the news of Bernie’s third party sometimes causes me to burst into tears, or why I want to throw my MacBook Pro across the room after reading the latest review of Hillary’s latest book.

For me, differing political ideologies are a deal breaker. But that only makes me more OK with accepting these flings for what they are: Opportunities for excellent hate-sex followed by a double dose of abysmally awful sex that leaves me able to walk away feeling psychologically damaged, physically satisfied, and yet strangely powerful at a time when many people with my liberal leanings have never felt less in control.

Is this a sustainable pattern? Not in a million fucking years.

But I highly recommend it. Because when you damage yourself like this enough times, all you can do is vote for Democrats. And that’s good for America.

Krystl Meph is The Sacramento Brie‘s regular higher education columnist and a third-year freshman at UC Berkeley.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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