Scientist discovers ‘peak diversity’ in remote island archipelago

Almost one year ago, a descendant of Charles Darwin started a voyage of discovery to retrace the scientific steps of his family’s famous patriarch. Today he announced a world-changing discovery of his own.

“It was totally unexpected, but I found an ecosystem which has achieved complete and total diversity,” said Daniel Alan Darwin III, who launched his voyage from Plymouth Sound just like his predecessor. “I had planned for the adventure to take the full five years, but I see no reason to keep going now.”

The scientific record of the Googlapagos Islands contains entire libraries dedicated to the study of “diversity.” One of the primary theses is that “if managed properly, diversity will eventually cause white people and gender differences to disappear.”

“The Googlapagos Islands are now populated entirely by lesbian and transgender females who all have the same milky-brown skin color,” said Darwin, who is a white heterosexual male. “That is an excellent adaptation to the climate, but is problematic for long-term survival. However, they do have excellent health care.”

It’s not clear if the Googlapagos scientists understood the ramifications of their theories, because Darwin estimates that human life in the archipelago will be extinct in less than 50 years. But there is some evidence the islanders wanted it this way.

“We think the population once mirrored our own, and differences were celebrated exactly in the way we celebrate ours,” he said. “But literary forensics reveals a disturbing pattern of redefining key scientific principles on their way to achieving such monumental uniformity.”