Top 4 reasons to vote for Gavin Newsom

Ball busting at the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. For many, many, more unmasked and erect public penises, see the source. All photos by Zombietime.

Gavin Newsom, the lieutenant governor running to succeed Jerry Brown, was nearly an hour into his town hall meeting when someone asked about saving the planet.

“You thought mandatory composting was controversial because of all the sewer backups,” he replied. “But in San Francisco we have open-air toilets for an army of homeless heroin addicts, open-air rallies for an army of falsely-documented sanctuary citizens, and open-air sex fairs for an army of naked gay leather fetish queens.”

The room full of Democrats were laughing – hard – but the biggest laugh of the evening came next.

“We have garbage police at every street fair to make sure the addicted homeless gay illegal fetish queens are properly recycling their waste,” Newsom said. “Part of my plan to save the planet as Governor of California is to bring that culture to the State Capitol.”

The unapologetically progressive Newsom offered four other reasons to vote for him in the next election.

  1. Health care. “At the end of the day, with all due respect, the only way we are going to have high-quality, universal health care that’s approximately affordable – and by that I mean costs less than five times the entire state budget – is Medicare for all. Don’t people get this? The deeper question, though, is: Can we do it in California? And, legitimately, that’s an open-ended question. It just is.”
  2. Sanctuary cities. “As mayor of San Francisco, I went out of my way to promote sanctuary cities because – just like public sex and masturbation – it’s a great way to build trust between law enforcement and the community. You are looking at the poster child for sanctuary policy. I know these issues poll poorly in much of the state, but what the heck is wrong with the Democratic Party that we don’t have the courage to stand up for it? It’s about people. And it’s about a fundamental principle about trust.”
  3. The welfare state. “We have to respect the game. I know single moms who have their own shit and don’t pay taxes. Welfare bitches have more than you workin’ 9-to-5 bitches! They got Jordans on their feet all day, bitches. Why should they work at a cash register, or fucking Target, or a fucking sneaker store. We have to kiss their asses before they stoop that low. Fuck Trump, fuck the government, they’re gonna rape that shit sittin’ on their ass!”
  4. Inequality. “California has the highest ratio of income inequality in the nation. San Francisco has the most expensive housing and we’re exporting the problem to the Central Valley. So what if homelessness is worse than ever in Sacramento? I have one core belief: you need to trust the Democratic Party to fix it this time. I am not timid about that. I lean into the issue.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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