Students riot after ‘whites-only porn’ broadcast by UC Berkeley newspaper

The Daily Californian student newspaper at UC Berkeley recently broadcasted sounds of white heterosexual people having sex, prompting charges that the newspaper is led by privileged heteronormative white supremacists.

Berkeley_Sex_Header

The banner image of the Daily Californian‘s podcast page. The color of the person on the left is #f6d0cf, on the right #fccbad.

Audio experts contacted by The Brie said the individuals heard in the recording are definitely white, although they could not confirm sexual orientation by sounds alone.

“Today’s technology is pretty good,” said the technician at A.J.’s Sound Shack, “so we know all the participants are white. We just can’t tell if they’re gay or not.”

But even before the audio analysis was confirmed, students at Berkeley were gearing up for a riot.

“Resist white porn!” shouted one student, carrying a sign saying “#FCCBAD #653D03 GOOD!”

When asked what the hashtags meant, the brown student pointed to his face. “What are you, a f***ing idiot? Those are hexadecimal color codes, not hashtags. And why isn’t my orgasm good enough to be published on the Internet?”

A white student with blue hair standing nearby explained. “Haven’t you seen the insulting image of the Hard & Soft podcast? Both of the cartoon people are different shades of white. Where are the brown people? F*** white porn! And f*** the Daily Californian. I’m a straight white woman, but where do they get off having a whitebread girl named Ashley do the intro?”

We listened to the podcast, and a woman named Ashley does, indeed, provide both an introduction and a postscript to the sounds of white orgasms. For people too upset to listen to white people having sex, The Brie has transcribed a portion of the podcast.

Ahhh ah aaahhhhh. Mmmm. Uh. Uhhhh. Heh heh heh. Right. You do, though. You do! Hhhhhhh. Uh. Ugh. (Sounds of cars.) Ah ah ah ah ah ah. Hhhhhh. Oooohhhhh. Oh. Oh. Stay right there. (Sounds of bedsheets and music.) Oh oh oh oh. Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm. (Sounds get increasingly louder.) Ohhhh ohhhhhhhhh!!!

When the orgasms are finished, Ashley says, “This is been a Daily Californian podcast. See you soon. Love you. Bye.”

We reached out to the Daily Cal‘s editor in chief, Karim Doumar.

“We’re under attack by a mob of anti-white porn anti-fascists!” he shouted into the phone.

When we explained the purpose of our call, he pleaded with us to call the cops. And then the line went dead.

Editor’s note: Our higher ed columnist, Krystl Meph, was busy making non-binary non-white multi-partner gay transgender sex podcasts and was unavailable for comment.

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