Sacramento requires 23 percent of babies to be named ‘Caitlyn’

One day after the Social Security Administration announced that the popularity of baby name “Caitlyn” has fallen off a cliff, the capital city of California is taking steps to ensure the calamity doesn’t happen in the Golden State.

An ordinance passed at an emergency session of City Council requires parents to name 23 percent of children born inside city limits with one of four variations: Caitlin, Caitlyn, Katelynn, or Kaitlynn.


“People simply have to understand that they can’t disrespect the LGBT community in California,” said a spokesman for Mayor Darrell Steinberg. “Caitlyn Jenner is a state treasure, and we have a duty to protect her name for posterity.”

The ordinance states, in part, that the city “is not a dictatorship” and “recognizes equal rights for all, but LGBT rights as more equal.”

“We welcome any action that protects our rights,” said a press release from the LGBT Action Safety Syndicate (LASS) based in the Sacramento-area bedroom community of Rio Linda. “We’re not being drama queens,  but it is incredibly hurtful to people of all 57 genders that hateful Americans have abandoned the name Caitlyn in such a dramatic fashion.”

City code-enforcers are visiting hospitals this week with the news. “We expect some parents to try to skirt the new rule by not naming their kids,” one enforcer told us outside Sutter Memorial Hospital. “But we have leverage, because state law requires parents to name their new bundles of joy before they can go home.”

The California State Lottery is helping out with technology, and a spokesman for Kaiser Permanente said the rule is being applied fairly. “Also, it’s really cool, because parents will get to pick a floating ping-pong ball out of an air chamber just like they do on TV. We think that will help a lot of parents get over the shock.”

Parents who don’t get over it will receive a flyer designed by the city, encouraging them to comply. “We can’t yet hold parents against their will,” said the City Attorney, acknowledging that the 23 percent goal may not be achieved in the first year. “But fairness demands that some boys will have to be named Caitlyn, and our literature will inform the scofflaws that Sacramento is a tolerant community which will not allow them to be transphobic anti-gay hatemongers.”

Social Security numbers bear out the dramatic decline that the city hopes to reverse. In the year 2000, the name Caitlyn ranked 118, which represents 0.142 percent of total female births. By the year 2015, the name was ranked 598, or 0.025 percent of births. In 2016, the name fell out of the top 1,000 altogether.

Source: Social Security Administration

The Brie asked some Sacramento-area kids named Caitlyn what they thought about the decline.

“I think it’s racist,” said 13-year-old Caitlyn, a transgender boy from Orangevale.

Caitlyn from Citrus Heights, whose parents identified her as a 9-year-old female, said, “I think it’s because the people that are doing that are afraid to change themselves.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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