“It was important to get Mr. Comey back to work immediately doing what he does best,” said Mayor Bill de Blasio. “And, to be honest, Coney Island just didn’t pull in visitors like it once did. Putting the former FBI Director’s name on it will change all that. Imagine the graf – um, I mean marketing potential.”
The first step will be to place Comey’s likeness in all Zoltar fortune-telling machines around the United States, and a website has been created to jumpstart that process.
“Comey has excellent name recognition,” said Hillary Clinton, former U.S. Senator from New York and now a member of The Resistance. “I’ve invested $1,000 in the venture myself, and my broker says the return should be better than cattle futures.”
Mrs. Clinton, who chuckled at her joke about investing, hasn’t always felt so positive about the former FBI chief. In 2016, after Comey submarined her chances at winning the White House, the former First Lady said, “I can never visit my beloved Coney Island again. The name is too painful a reminder of what that traitor did to me.”
Coney Island was once the largest amusement park in the United States. In 2012, New York City lost its bid to host the Summer Olympics there. Today, the area is known for its Mermaid Parade, senior citizen housing, and not being an actual island.
Under the new name, Comey Island will rebuild its reputation as a unique purveyor of American mass culture in the traditions of P.T. Barnum, burlesque, circus sideshows, vaudeville, and yellow journalism.
Famous yellow journalist Keith Olbermann will head up a brand new attraction at the park, designed to enrage visitors with exaggerated news events, scandal-mongering, and sensationalism.
“It’s exactly what I do now,” said Olbermann, “but the venue at Comey Island will expand my base of sketchy, ill-informed, partisan Democrats. For just a buck fifty a head, they’ll be eating up my poorly-sourced rants and broadcasting it all over social media.”
Former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg offered his perspective on the venture. “People were only marginally interested in P.T. Barnum until the Clinton-Comey burlesque show entranced the country,” he said. “Besides that, New York needed someone to counter The All Seeing Trump, and that someone is James Comey.”
Correction: A previous version of this article unexpectedly named the former FBI Director “Bill” Comey. We must have been thinking of the time President Bill Clinton fired FBI Director Bill Sessions. We apologize for the error.