Half of small town’s residents found dead after GOP House passes healthcare bill

Thirty miles north of San Francisco, the small unincorporated town of Bolinas had a population of 1,600 people yesterday. Today only 800 are left alive.

“They just died,” said Anita Tyrrell-Brown, chief of the Bolinas Fire Protection District that provides emergency medical care and disaster management to the community. “I started getting calls around noon, but it took until happy hour before we understood the scope of the tragedy.”

BolinasPeaceBeach

Some of the 800 survivors formed a human peace sign on the beach after half their town’s residents died of a pre-existing condition.

Although officials say it’s too early to know how it happened, they’ve ruled out terrorism for two reasons: 1) the people of Bolinas are legendary among northern Californians for their low-pressure lifestyle; and 2) residents routinely tear down the only road sign at the intersection of Highway 1 and Olema Bolinas Road.

Estimates are that every household in the 94924 zip code has an average of three stolen road signs, says Tyrrell-Brown, who is also a full-time bartender at Smiley’s Schooner Saloon & Hotel. “If you don’t know where we are, you literally can’t find us. Terrorism was definitely not a factor.”

The SacBrie met with some of the 800 survivors on the beach, who had formed a giant human peace sign in response to the catastrophe. Civilians were unanimous about the cause of death.

“We have a very diverse community who all think the same way,” said the owner of the Bolinas Gallery, who lost her husband and staff in the calamity. “When Donald Trump was elected, some really mellow people said they started hearing voices and having chest pains. They just lost the will to live when Republicans voted to repeal Obamacare.”

When The Brie‘s reporter pointed out that the GOP bill had not yet become law, the giant peace sign unexpectedly turned violent.

“You need to stop triggering us and get the f*** out of here,” said a man who threatened to bash in our reporter’s skull with a set of bongo drums.

“The media needs to understand,” said a woman with long flowing hair and a rawhide headband. “People who are not Democrats have become a deadly and unsustainable pre-existing condition that is killing us!”

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