By Paul Alan Piatt
Early this morning, the California Department of Education announced an emergency measure banning the use of or display of maps of California in public schools statewide.
“It was brought to our attention that the shape of California’s geographic boundaries closely resembles an extended magazine for a military-type assault rifle, the number one threat to public safety in the world,” read a statement released after the measure was instituted. “We cannot and will not tolerate our children being within mere feet and in some cases, touching such a threat to their personal safety.”
Thousands of school children were removed from classrooms where maps and globes were prominently displayed. Frantic parents mobbed administrative offices seeking early dismissals, and safe spaces across the state were overflowing with emotionally distraught Californians.
“I’ve exercised my freedom of choice every time I’ve been pregnant, but if the court allowed me to have kids I would be a total emotional wreck,” sobbed Levonia Lots, 23, a sophomore at CSU Sacramento. “As it is, since the state made me aware of the comparison I’ve been unable to eat or sleep, and I definitely have PTSD this time. I’m just so triggered.”
Governor Brown and California Secretary of State Padilla have been engaged in urgent and, at times, contentious negotiations with Nevada, exploring various proposals to correct this geographic grotesquerie.
“We made a lot of progress and had a working agreement, but it fell through,” Secretary Padilla told reporters. “In exchange for extending the Utah/Arizona border due west across Nevada and that land becoming part of California, Nevada sought to move the L.A. Clippers to Las Vegas. We found that acceptable until Nevada also demanded we fund a $200M expansion of the Clark County jail to accommodate the expected influx of Raider fans traveling from Oakland to Las Vegas for home games starting in 2019. This we will not do.”
Secretary Padilla added that Sheriff Joe Arpaio, famous for his tent city jail facility in Maricopa County, Arizona, had been hired on as a consultant to the negotiators to assist in exploring more economical options.
Dissatisfied with the status of Governor Brown’s efforts to address this issue, the Sacramento Chapter of Mothers Against Guns held a lunchtime candle vigil on the steps of the capitol building in memory of the lives that might have been lost if the magazine-shaped map had opened fire. SacBrie reporters caught up with chapter president Gail Fuller-Beuhl after the vigil, and here’s what she had to say.
“Our schools became free-fire zones today and all Governor Brown can think to do is redraw state boundaries? First we had breakfast pastries chewed into gun shapes, then we had sticks broken into gun shapes. We are on a slippery slope and it must be stopped. We demand the governor declare a total ban of California until this hazard is eliminated.”
Correction: The AK-47 was produced by the Soviet Union beginning in 1947, and was not used in WWII. We have corrected the caption to clarify that the weapon was used extensively by Communist freedom fighters as they drove Imperial American troops out of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam.