Homeless find unexpected fame in NCLBA provisions

by Paul Alan Piatt

This is the second installment in an ongoing series of reports on the No Calorie Left Behind Act as the effects of this sweeping legislation are felt statewide.

One unintended consequence of California’s recently passed No Calorie Left Behind Act (NCLBA) has been the unexpected public attention paid to certain homeless/elderly/low-income (HELI) individuals.

“Californians can be quite demanding when selecting dining company,” stated Juwanna Fryze, chairperson of the Sacramento chapter of California Coalition of Choosy Consumers. “Certain HELI people have proven to be more hygienic and mentally stable than others, which creates a demand for their company.”


HELI diners queue up for the next empty chair at the North Ridge Country Club.


‘Smokey’, a long-time fixture of the Sacramento homeless scene, agrees. “A month ago, I was just another bum picking through dumpsters behind the governor’s mansion. Now, because of the NCLBA, I have 18,462 Twitter followers, 1,720 Facebook friends, and dates for breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon tea, and supper through August. I even have a rotating nightly schedule of food trucks for hungry closing-time bar patrons.”

Even Sacramento Mayor Steinberg is getting in on the act. At a recent party fund-raising banquet at the swanky North Ridge Country Club, diners were surprised when two bus loads of HELI people showed up at the direction of state officials. After a brief exchange of gunfire between California State Police and country club security, the HELI diners were admitted to the banquet hall.

“It was quite an event,” Mayor Steinberg was quoted. “My dining partner, Avonia Freelove, told many fascinating stories of 1960’s San Francisco before she flashed back and face-planted in my leftover crème brulee.”

A major Hollywood studio has green-lighted a reality television show titled “Hot Cuisine!” where camera crews follow HELI diners navigating the world of fine dining leftovers. A game show network has begun pre-production on a new show based on “The Dating Game”, where diners question and select HELI companions sight-unseen.

The notoriety some HELI people are garnering isn’t welcome in all circles. “Four times last night, drunk college kids from UCD shined a flashlight in my face looking for that asshole Smoky,” complained Angelina Rosales, 47, of no fixed address in Davis. “Why the hell are they looking for Smoky in Davis, anyway? When I asked if they wanted a late-night munchies run guest they just laughed and said they’d rather not eat than share with me. Pricks.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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