California classifies all residents as mentally disabled to end parking placard abuse

In a bold move designed to end rampant abuse of disabled parking placards issued by the DMV, Gov. Jerry Brown signed Assembly Bill 101 into law today, designating every resident of the state as mentally disabled.

In his signing statement, Brown wrote, “This law ensures fairness for all in 37 key ways, but I’ll only mention the most important ones. First, when everyone is disabled no one is disabled, so it removes the stigma of being disabled. Second, every parking spot in California will now be accessible by disabled drivers, instead of just a select few. That’s a huge win for fairness.”

The new law will save the state million of dollars in administrative costs, create tens of thousands of new jobs in the field of parking space redesign, and end the black market that exists for parking placards. The Bureau of State Audits discovered that owning a black-market placard in San Francisco could save a dishonest person $14,000 a year in parking fees. Legislators say the law will eliminate the need for dishonesty.

Every parking spot in the state will have to be redesigned under the new law, creating tens of thousands of new jobs.

City revenues from parking fines will also dramatically increase, according to the Legislative Analyst. “Instead of collecting fines from the relative few who abused the old disabled parking placard system, cities will be able to fine a much larger percentage of the population.”

When asked who will pay the new fines, the Analyst said, “Although we expect this population to decrease over time, people who refuse to identify as mentally disabled will pay $1,000 per violation. The legislature plans to address the expected revenue shortfall at a later date.”

Activists for the transabled community hailed the new law as a breakthrough for human rights. Transability is the desire for a physically healthy person to maim themselves to match their mental self-image.

“California is officially recognizing people as mentally disabled even though there’s nothing wrong with them,” said a scholar of feminist, gender, and sexuality studies, who is both transabled and transgender.

“By creating a new society of officially mentally disabled people, the law will reduce the number of people who self-harm in order to achieve recognition. I think that’s good for everyone.”

Correction: fake but accurate comments previously attributed to a feminist scholar were clarified as inaccurate and fake, and the name has been removed to protect “the truth.” As a burlesque news outlet, The Brie stands by the rest of the story.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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