Oroville Dam’s secret sex lair revealed

A forensic team arrived at Oroville Dam on Thursday to determine the cause of the spillway failure and to open up the secret sex lair found deep beneath the 60-year-old earthen structure.

Bill Croyle, the acting director of the Department of Water Resources, told reporters that his staff met for several hours with the Butte County Sheriff to discuss which parts of the lair should be kept secret and which to release.

“The information that’s appropriate to push out, we’ll push out,” he said. “There are security concerns here.”


Reporters had other ideas. After Thursday’s press conference, a mob of media overwhelmed dam security forces and forced their way into the underground sex lair.

KQED science reporter Craig Miller defended his actions with facts. “The spillway was built on incompetent rock,” he said, “putting hundreds of thousands of people in mortal danger. Clearly, the original designers of Oroville Dam had other things on their minds. The public deserves to know what.”

Two male reporters from the Sacramento Bee argued with a woman from the Chico Enterprise-Record about who should get dibs on the lingerie closet. The men won, and Dale Kasler raised a yellowed nightie in triumph as Randy Pench took pictures.

Chico reporter Heather Hacking resigned herself to checking out the California king waterbed. “It’s still full after all these years,” she said, gently bobbing up and down. “Too bad it’s cold.”

The festive mood in the lair turned serious when state Sen. Jim Nielsen (R-Gerber) and Assemblyman James Gallagher (R-Yuba City) showed up with a box of 39-gallon Hefty Lawn and Leaf bags.

“We’re commandeering this raid,” Nielsen said. “Our constituents are frustrated with regards to the need for transparency in what occurred here. It’s our job to relieve that frustration.”

Gallagher stuffed a shoe box of racy black and white photos into his bag. “If any of this information is highly sensitive, we’ll find out. But blocking entire reports and requests for information is unacceptable.”

Editor’s note: The Brie will stay on top of this story to bring you the latest news about the Oroville Dam sex lair and the secrets it contains.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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