Hospitals from coast to coast are overrun with millennials after a decade of amazingly bad ideas finally caught up with the most connected generation in history. In some cities, the waiting line for the Emergency Room looks like the crowd at the Coachella music festival.
“We’re seeing everything from alcoholism to osteoporosis to fake butt syndrome,” said the admitting nurse at Hackensack Medical Center. “It’s as if millennials are becoming their parents at an accelerated rate.”
The biggest problems in California are sudden-onset rage-induced heart disease and synthetic drug addiction, said one ER doctor at Sutter Hospital in Sacramento.
“The last eight years were like a train wreck waiting to happen in the medical community,” she said. “Millennials actually believe there are 57 genders and they can keep their doctor if they like their doctor. Add the mass delusions caused by synthetic pot, the sudden rage at Donald Trump, and … well, is anyone really surprised this is happening?”
Temporomandibular joint syndrome (TMJ) is also a common ailment. Some experts blame raves and hookup culture generally, but emergency room psychiatrists say they can trace the problem to Bill Clinton.
“It took a few years for the idea to fully permeate the culture,” said yet another doctor who would only talk off the record. “But to these young adults, oral sex is absolutely not sex at all. And if you suggest that it is sex, they will literally throw a smart phone at your head.”
When The Brie wondered how common smart-phone throwing actually is, the doctor shrugged and showed us her scar. “Before my patient tossed her Galaxy S7 at me, she screamed that Tinder makes her life so amazing and that her mom would buy her a new phone.”
“We’re going to get through this crisis,” said a top hospital administrator in Omaha. “But it never would have happened if we had single-payer healthcare.”