Gavin Newsom tests new campaign cruise missile


One day after President Donald Trump destroyed a Syrian airbase with fifty American cruise missiles, California Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom tested his own cruise missile in downtown San Francisco.

Leading the polls in early projections for the 2018 California gubernatorial race, Newsom waved to adoring crowds from atop his Iranian Su-25 “Bina” laser-guided missile. When asked what the name “Bina” meant, Newsom flashed his trademark smile and said, “Insightful.”

Before the unveiling the missile, the UC Berkeley Institute of Governmental Studies found that 28 percent of Californians favored Newsom over four other candidates. An exit poll conducted immediately after the San Francisco campaign event found that number had jumped to 52 percent. Newsom’s strongest support comes from Bay Area voters.

“That tells me the people of California want action,” Newsom said. “Especially now. It’s so important. We’re going to keep fighting for the progress we know is right, and the other candidates had better take notice.”

The “other candidates” that Newsom refused to name are Republican businessman John Cox, former Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, State Treasurer John Chiang and former State Superintendent of Public Instruction Delaine Eastin.

Chiang issued a press release warning his opponent about spending state funds on foreign technology. Eastin, who is struggling with name recognition after years out of the limelight, said she has already contacted North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un about getting her own missile. The other candidates did not respond to our requests for comment.

A campaign spokesman for Newsom said the Iranian missile was a gift, and had been properly disclosed according to state election laws. In the wake of former President Obama’s nuclear agreement with Iran, The Brie can confirm that no laws had been broken by the Newsom campaign.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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