Nearly naked mermaids found in Sacramento, Fresno

Several nearly-naked mermaids were discovered in Sacramento last weekend, prompting officials to investigate.

“We don’t want to jump to conclusions about this, uh, person’s identity,” said Mayor Darrell Steinberg about the first mermaid brought to his office by police. “I interviewed her personally, and she indicated she is not from Sacramento. But we are a welcoming city, and I will not rule out using taxpayer funds for the life-changing surgery she clearly needs to function here in the Central Valley.”

Sacramento County Sheriff Scott Jones was more circumspect. “We should find out if she even wants to become human,” he said.

SacBrie_Mermaid

Mermaid immigration experts from the ACLU told The Sacramento Brie that their traditional home is in the Dead Sea, and that some have been forced out of their habitat by the Israeli occupation, left to wander the world’s oceans, homeless, until they find their way to mermaid-friendly cities.

The city of Fresno reported last month that a mermaid – who appeared to be mentally ill – took advantage of high water caused by recent storms and swam all the way up the San Joaquin River.

MermaidBathroom“We found her on the 18th green at the San Joaquin Country Club,” Fresno Mayor Lee Brand said, “and immediately changed municipal regulations to accommodate her bathroom needs. She appeared to be extremely thankful, although we couldn’t understand a single word she said.”

The California Legislature has introduced an emergency resolution to change Education Code statutes, providing any potential mer-parents the right to have school district translators on site.

“Education is crucial for all residents of California,” said Senator Kevin de Leon. “We want to be inclusive of these new immigrants, especially since they traveled so far to be here. We’re also considering a study of mermaid migratory patterns to see if they might be affected by pesticide runoff.”

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