Heinz 57 squares number of products in gender-based reorganization

John Kerry today made two dramatic announcements: a massive expansion of Heinz products, reflecting the company’s new gender-based strategy; and his appointment as global marketing manager for the food giant Kraft.

“Now that science has confirmed the existence of 57 genders,” Kerry told reporters, “my wife and the Kraft board – in consultation with myself – decided to tailor each variety to each of those genders. Instead of 57, Heinz will become the world leader in gender-based foods with 3,249 separate and distinct varieties.”

The number of corporate jobs is also expected to multiply by 57, and Sacramento will be home to a new west coast marketing office.

“Yesterday we had 103,000 employees,” Kerry said. “Tomorrow we’ll have 5,871,000. Although an expansion of this magnitude would challenge a lesser company, Kraft Foods is relying on my vast experience – in Vietnam and as Secretary of State – to bring gender-based foods to every country in the world.”

As an example of the expanded product line, Heinz Oven-Baked Beans, which used to come in only three varieties – Pork and Tomato Sauce, Pork no Tomato Sauce, and Tomato Sauce no Pork – will now have 171 varieties. Among them will be Agender Oven-Baked Beans with Pork and Tomato Sauce, Cisgender Man Beans with Tomato Sauce no Pork, and Gender Nonconforming Beans with Pork no Tomato Sauce.

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